


More Than Words

by denimcharlie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Attemped Suicide, Depression, Emotional Castiel, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Homophobia, M/M, Physical Abuse, Self Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-02-19
Packaged: 2018-01-07 22:01:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1124883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denimcharlie/pseuds/denimcharlie





	1. They had an affinity

"Sammy, you'll be late and sure as hell if you are, I'm not taking you." Dean says banging on his little brothers door.

"I'm just talking to someone, give me 5 minutes!" Sam shouts back

"I'll wait in the car then".

Dean had been in his Black Chevy Impala for 10 minutes when Sam opened the door and sat silently with tears in his eyes.

"What's up Sammy?" Dean says

"My friend Cas, his boyfriend Corbett killed himself the other night, is it alright if he comes over tonight?"

"Suppose so."

************************

"So, Cas tell me about yourself" putting a plate of food in front of the younger boy

"My name is Castiel Novak, my parents are super religious, hence Castiel. It means Angel of The Lord, my brother Gabriel is in college. My parents have been married 25 years and um, my boyfriend killed himself two nights ago" he says tearing up

"Hey, hey don't get upset Cas, it'll be okay" Dean says reaching over and holding Cas's hand. Looking into his big blue eyes, he could see all the hurt, the disappointment, the guilt.

***

After Cas had got the call from Corbett's parents he went straight over to his house, seeing him laying there, he'd hung himself. Cas wanted to die. Cas's parents thought he was going to hell, they thought he was coward, Cas knew he wasn't.

"Dean, can Cas come in?" Sam says on the other side of Dean's door "he's had a nightmare, I don't know what to do"

"Ugh, sure, send him in" Dean says sitting up sighing and switching the light on.

The door opened a crack and a petite little body slipped through the gap.

"H-hey, I'm sorry Dean" he says clearly shaken up by his nightmare.

"Wanna talk about it?" Dean says pulling the younger boy into his muscular arms

"Mhm" he says nodding into Deans chest.

***

Sitting opposite him, Dean notices scars on his wrist, some pale, some pink and a few redder ones.

"Cas?, Why'd you cut?" He says taking the younger boys small wrists in his rough hands.

"Um, th-this one was when I found Corbett" he says pointing to a newer cut, "My dad did this when I told him I was gay, mom had gone to visit Gabe, she told us to sort our problems out. Mom supported me, dad didn't, he pinned me down and cut me. Apparently it was 'freeing me of the demons that possessed my soul', he did this too" Cas says lifting up his shirt and pointing at the faded letters spelling 'fag', I stayed in my room for the whole weekend."

"Oh Cas, I'm always here for you" Dean says pulling up his sleeves and showing Cas a few fading scars. "That was when Dad died, that was hard after losing mom when we were young, then this one, this was last year when my girlfriend at the time Lisa told me she was pregnant, it wasn't mine, she left me and moved away.

"Dean, I'm so sor-" Cas was cut of by Dean's soft lips pressed against his. "Wha- Dean, you're straight, stop" he says after pulling away

"Cas, stop talking and kiss me"

Kissing Cas felt right, they had an affinity, he felt like he was at one, like he and Cas were supposed to be together.

"You deserve the world Cas" Dean says, not quite sure why he'd just kissed his brothers friend who was clearly grieving his dead boyfriend.

"Thank you Dean" Cas says burying his head in Dean's neck.

"It's okay Cas, let's try and get some sleep, we have school tomorrow"


	2. They lived in a different world

Cas lowered his limp, tired body into the front seat of his crappy second-hand Toyota he'd saved up for since he was sixteen.

Turning on the CD player, the only thing that still works properly in the car, the familiar notes of Something by The Beatles surrounded the little car.

Something in the way she moves, attracts me like no other lover.  
Something in the way she woos me. I don't wanna leave her now, you know I believe in how.

It reminded him of Dean, he'd seen the exact same CD in Dean's bedroom last night.  
Pulling up at Twin Peaks high school Cas dreaded what people were going to say, teenagers were so judgemental, he was expecting the usual 'fag', 'homo', 'queer'

\------  
After lunch Cas had mixed gym with the seniors. With Dean and his dick friends.  
"Hey, Jesse dude look at this little faggot" the biggest jock, Harry said poking Cas in the ribs.  
"I know, man, he should just kill himself like his queer boyfriend did" Jesse says joining in.  
Cas felt like a tiny speck of dust in this big room surrounded by people that obviously hated him.  
"Why are you doing this?, Dean?" Cas stutters barely a whisper  
"Why is the little cocksucker talking to you Dean?, has he tried to bum you?" Jesse says staring at Dean  
"He's my brothers friend guys, I don't like fags" Dean says laughing  
Cas couldn't stand it anymore, he couldn't get through this without Corbett, Corbett was his life, They lived in a different world now. Maybe not in high school, but in the outside world, things were changing. Cas had hoped that when they we're old enough they would have gotten married, not when they were still in high school, they didn't want to get married in high school and end up divorced and bitter towards each other. They really loved each other, well Cas still loves Corbett and he'll always have a special place in Cas' heart, Always.

 

Locking himself in a cubicle and stumbling back towards the toilet Cas throws his rucksack against the door, he opens the little side pocket and grabs a little bag and pulls out a blade.  
This was his relief, he didn't set out to hurt himself to any extent, he just did it to feel something.

He left a voicemail to Sam. Sam and Corbett were the only one who really cared.  
'Hey Sam, A lot of stuff has been going on recently, Corbett was my world. You and Dean looked after me. Dean made me feel like I had a new friend. He kissed me. Goodbye Sam.'  
After a few cuts he started to feel again, images of Dean kissing him, Dean holding him into his chest, the sound of his heartbeat... Dean pretending not to know him.  
Dragging the blade straight down the length of his forearm, he was determined to do it, it wasn't about Dean, He wasn't even religious, he didn't believe in anything or anyone, he felt this way he'd truly be with Corbett.


	3. "We'll paint it up nice for you"

Seeing Cas’ pale, lifeless body in the hospital bed really hit home for Dean, he knew how Cas felt, he could have helped him.  
Over the past week Dean had become immune to the horrible hospital smell, the steady beeping of the heart monitor, the disgusting café meals, Dean had probably lost most of his muscles this week just from a lack of protein in the meals they serve at the hospital.  
He looked helpless; he had tubes coming out his mouth.  
Dean turned his phone on and almost automatically someone was calling him.  
Something in the way she moves attracts me like no other lover,  
Something in the way she woos me,  
I don’t wanna leave her now, you know I believe in how.  
“Hey Sammy” Dean says taking in a deep breath and sighing  
“How is he?” Sam asked down the phone.  
“They say he’s improving, they just don’t when he’s gonna wake up” Dean says rubbing the back of his neck.  
“Dean?” a timid little voice says from the bed  
“He’s awake Sammy, he’s awake” Dean says hanging up before Sam can answer.  
“Hey Cas, how are you?” Dean says shuffling his chair closer to Cas.  
“I feel like death, where am I?” Cas says trying to roll over  
“No Cas, you are at the hospital. You tried to, um... to kill yourself” Dean says reaching out to grab Cas’ hand.  
There was silence.  
“Why did I fail?, I want to die Dean, I want to see Corbett, I want to be with him again.” Cas says tears building up in his eyes.  
“Cas, you can’t think like that, Corbett loved you, he did. It was just dickheads like me that drove him to that, hell, I drove you to that point Cas.” Dean says tears spilling over his eyes, “I don’t know what this is Cas, the feelings I have for you I shouldn’t have, I’m the quarterback of the football team. I shouldn’t feel like I do about another guy but I do.”  
*******  
"Alright Mr Novak, we have to tell you that you need to attend therapy sessions for the foreseeable future.  
“I have school.” Cas says back sharply  
Dean was taken back.  
“Sorry, We have school and it’s pretty busy with all the clubs and homework” Dean says looking sympathetically at the nurse, She was kinda cute.  
“Mr Novak, you are allowed to leave but you must be under the supervision of an adult, Can you go home or to a friends, maybe to your boyfriends house?” She says politely walking out of the room.  
As soon as she was out the door Cas broke down, hysterical tears, the last time Dean had seen anyone like this was Sammy when their dad had died.  
“Hey Cas, What’s wrong?” Dean says moving closer to Cas rubbing his non bandaged arm.  
“She said that I should go to to Corbett’s house, why did she say that Dean?” Cas says crying so hard he was silent.  
“Cas, she never said that. She said that you have to be under supervision of a responsible adult, she said you can go home” Dean says squeezing Cas’ arm gently.  
“Can I say at your place Dean, My dad will go mad when he finds out” Cas says sniffing  
“Cas, you are welcome anytime, we have a spare room, we can paint it up all nice for you, put your stuff in there, make it feel like home without the bad parts.” Dean says standing up and picking up  
\-----  
Pulling up at the big white house Dean looked at Cas with confusion in his big green eyes.  
"You live here?"  
"Yeah, Dad's a business man, moms his trophy wife. I'm just an inconvenience, I need to be super quick"  
Cas came to the front door with a huge duffle bag and Dean jumped out the car and ran up the path to help him.  
"Let me take that, you don't want to be carrying them with your arm"  
"I have two arms Dean" cas says laughing, to Dean it was honesty so good to see him smiling.  
A white BMW pulls up just behind Deans Impala, A tall but overweight man got out of it, how he fitted in amazed Dean.  
"Where have you been Cas?" his dad said hugging his son.  
"I've stayed with Dean, he's Sam's older brother" he says not moving from his position.  
"Nice to meet you Dean" His dad says placing his hand out for Dean to shake  
Dean takes his hand in his.  
"Nice to meet you too, jackass."  
Dean felt a hard blow straight to his nose, Fuck.  
"DAD!" Cas shouted grabbing Dean "THIS IS ENOUGH, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU, I'M DONE WITH ALL THE BULLSHIT."  
Cas says grabbing his bag and Dean's hand and dragging him to the car.  
"Looks broken, you should get it checked out"  
Notes


	4. Cinnamon and Chocolate

"Hey Cas!, Come here!" Dean yells from his bedroom, Cas had insisted that he stayed in bed because of his nose, Cas took care of him everyday.

"Hey... Dean" Cas says having noticed Dean was hard under his sheet, choosing to ignore it he says "Are you okay?"

"I just want to say thank you for everything you've done for me" Dean says opening his arms for a hug.

Cas shuffled towards Dean with the sleeves of Dean's Led Zeppelin sweatshirt dangling over his hands, wrapping his arms gently around Dean. "You're welcome"

Pressing his lips hungrily against Cas' Dean moaned,  
Apart of Cas would have moved away, but apart of him didn't want to, he liked it.

Dean gently flipped Cas over so he was on top off him.  
Sucking and kissing his neck Dean could feel Cas' breath deepen  
"I've never done this to a guy before" Dean whispers  
Cas doesn't reply, he can't, he's scared that whatever force he has left he'll end up saying something he'd regret later on.  
Dean looked up at cas under his long eyelashes.  
"What's wrong Cas, am I moving to fast?"  
"It's nice Dean...don't stop. I like it" Cas says laughing nervously  
Dean sat up followed by Cas and took off his shirt then took of Cas', seeing his scars hurt, he didn't deserve that.  
Dean moved his head down to Cas' chest and took one of his nipples gently in between his teeth and rolled his tongue over it.  
Cas could feel himself getting harder the more Dean sucked and licked at his nipples.  
Kissing his way from his chest right down to the line of Cas' sweatpants Dean whispered "you smell great Cas".

Dean loved how Cas smelt, the scent of cinnamon and chocolate.  
Taking the head of Cas' dick in his mouth Dean swirled his tongue over it, Cas writhing with every stroke. Moving his hand up Cas' length while still licking at his head Dean felt himself get closer, Cas' moans were going to be the death of him.  
Cas moaned for the final time before releasing himself into Dean's mouth, followed shortly by Dean coming on the bed sheets.  
Spitting out Cas' come, Dean embraces Cas.

"Thanks for looking after me."


	5. Paths that look like tree roots

Prom was a big deal in high school, especially for seniors.  
Dean didn't see the point in prom, but he was a Jock, he had to go and he couldn't take Cas, he wasn't ready for the bullshit, he wasn't as used to it as Cas. He was going to take Tiffany, Cas would understand.

"Dean! It's time to go, you'll be late" Cas says pushing Dean off of him.  
"C'mon Cas, I wanna say here... With you." Dean says like a spoilt child  
"Tiffany will be waiting for you" Cas says laughing "and before you ask, no, I don't mind you taking her."

 

Pulling up to Tiffany's house Dean started to get nervous, what if people could tell he wasn't into it?  
"Hey, Deany" Tiffany screeches running down the path of her house towards Dean making Cas cringe.  
Cas was chauffeuring Dean and his date because Dean's car was in the garage and she couldn't drive, so squeezing in the back of Cas' tiny Toyota was the only way to go.  
"Hey Tiff, you look hot" Dean says putting a corsage on her wrist.

Dean started tapping his foot as the sound of Def Leppard filled the little car.  
"Hey Cas, turn it up, I love this song" he says patting Cas' shoulder before slumping back down and holding Tiffany's hand again.  
"Actually could you put the radio on?, I hate all this old crap" she says laughing.  
Cas sighs turning the radio on.

__________________________________________________________

"Attention everybody, it's time to announce your winners of prom king and queen." The old principle Mr Perkins said into the microphone. "Please give it up for your king and queen, Dean Winchester and Tiffany Jones."

The first notes of 'something' started playing for the the first dance as king and queen.  
"Something in the way she moves,  
Attracts me like no other lover,  
Something in the way she woos me,  
I don't wanna leave her now,  
You know I believe in how."

That song, that song reminded him of Cas, it reminded him of how he could go 18 years being completely straight and then meet a boy who entirely changes that in a matter of weeks.

"Dean, bro. You don't look into her, want me to take her off your hands?" The biggest jock Jesse said "plus my date's frigid anyway"  
"Nah dude, I was just thinking about how sweet it's gonna be to nail her." Dean said almost grimacing at what he's just said.

________

Cas heard the door unlock, he figured Dean had got a taxi back.  
He hated that Dean had taken a girl to Prom, he knew Dean wasn't as resilient as he was.

"Oh my god Dean" Cas heard Tiffany squeal through the paper thin walls.

They were fucking. 

Hearing Dean's low chesty moans hurt, moans just like the ones he'd heard only a few days ago. 

Cas hadn't touched a blade since he come out of hospital,  
He didn't want to hurt Dean.  
Dragging the blade he'd gotten from a pencil sharpener horizontally across his pale skin, he felt free, he felt better, he felt like in some way Dean could feel his pain.  
He loved watching the dark crimson liquid trickle down his arm forming paths that looked like tree roots, feeling it drip down onto his sweatpants, he loved feeling soak through the material and onto his leg.

There was silence...

If Dean was going to try and make this up to Cas he was going to have to do something special.  
Something amazing.


	6. Class of 2013

It had been a two weeks since Cas and Dean had last spoken a full conversation to each other, they'd said the occasional 'hello' to each other.  
They both knew why they'd ended up like this and they both knew they'd get over it eventually but they were both as stubborn as each other and neither of them wanted to admit it.

"Hey Cas, will you and Sammy come to my graduation?" Dean says excitedly over the kitchen table "I won't have anyone else."  
"Sure, We kind of have to go anyway" Cas says immediately regretting how harsh he had sounded.  
"Cool" Dean says back slightly sadder than before but faking a smile.  
________________

Graduation was a big part of your high school experience, Dean always thought that when he graduated he'd be in a serious relationship with a girl, not involved in drama with a boy that he loved.  
After all the students including Tiffany had gotten their diplomas, the principle called Dean to the stage followed by applause and stupid jock noises.

"Class of 2013.  
We are wild, young and free.  
We are the generation that will care for these people we had to listen t o and respect for four years of our lives.  
We are expected to know what we want to do for the rest of our lives.  
Some of us are arseholes, we bully others for being different, we bully others to the point that they don't want to live in the world anymore. That's sick, that is the most fucked up thing I've ever seen."  
Dean says giving a nod to the junior who was in control of the music.

'Something in the way she moves,  
Attracts me like no other lover,  
Something in the way she woos me,  
I don't wanna leave her now,  
You know I believe in how.'

"I fell in love this month, I met the person who changed everything for me, I fell in love with a boy."  
There were shocked gasps echoing throughout the gym.

"Everyone says that loves hurts, but that's a lie. Loneliness hurts, Rejection hurts, Losing someone hurts.  
Everyone confuses these these thing with love.  
But in reality,  
love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again.

This boy has had the worst life so far, I fucked up and I hope he finds it in his heart to forgive me.

Castiel Novak, will you be my boyfriend?


End file.
